Projects

Nothing like coming home to…

So much to do.

But then I asked myself, who is giving you this responsibility?

And of course, the answer was, myself.  I had placed these expectations upon myself, I had identified and attached myself to them so that they had begun to define my value as a person.

And most important, it was under my power to release them.  So that’s what I did. 

I released the need for the perfect meal, the perfect house, the perfect educational material…

I released the pressure to do all that and then be joyful and present.  Oh no, joy can’t flow from that.  I had some work to do before joy could come back.  Because all that stemmed from something deeper…

I began the process of releasing the fear that I am not doing enough for my children, that I always need to be more, do more.  I refound the trust I have in their wellbeing and in creation to have made them perfect and whole and not dependent on me completely for their well being. 

God has a hand too.  And where I fall short, that hand is there to catch us all.

The truth is I loved my parents and everything about my life and would not have had them change it for anything.  This was not because they were perfect parents.  It was  because I loved them with everything in me, and everything about them was part of their journey, and so I loved it too.  Where they nourished me, I gained inspiration, and where they challenged me, I gained strength and a deeper knowledge of myself.

This is much how I feel about my children.  I don’t love them because they are perfect.  I love them because they are who they are and their journey is an integral part of that which I love.

And so I know this is how my children feel about me as well.  They do not love me because of all the things I do for them.  They love me because I am me. 

They love me with such a huge love my mistakes are burned away in its light.

They forgive with such a big forgiveness they forget even what they are forgiving for.

They understand with such deep understanding I need only look in their eyes to know I needn’t say anything more.

They are infinite love, and infinite love does not need perfection to exist because it is perfection. 

And so now, these projects have been placed in their rightful place, as something fun to focus my energy on.  Things to enrich and enliven and inspire us.

But they are not who I am, who my family is

We are so much bigger than that.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Today I read this:

“A man’s mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild, but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will bring forth.” –James Allen

This sort of hit me over the head: the metaphor was used throughout to convince one to cultivate your garden as this is more desireable .  While I understood what he was trying to put forth, my love for indigenous plant life, herbalism, wild gardens and this quote:

“A weed is a plant whose virtues are yet to be discovered”

all coalesced in that moment to bring me to a greater awareness of the nature of life: all life lived is valuable.  Cultivated or wild, all life is worthy of appreciation.

Just as the gardener enjoys the beautiful display  his direct intention and great attention can brought forth,

so too does the naturalist enjoy the wild sprays of mother nature whose vulnerability to the droughts and storms strengthens and potentiates them.

There it is again: the balance of the masculine and the feminine.  The action oriented creator vs. the observing yielder.   Power coming from two poles:

direct power over our lives in which we change what we don’t want,

and the power to accept anything life gives us and therefore the power to thrive in all situations.

It seems I play the two gardeners in my parenting, too. At times I am the attentive gardener, watering daily and and strengthening the soil so my plants can grow big and beautiful, but dependent on my care .

At other times there is a pull to allow my children a bit of exposure to the elements so they may find their hardiness, strengthen themselves to thrive in whatever is brought their way.

And I watch this balance played out all around me depending on the culture and values of the home in which the child is reared. 

And for myself, I find in my life it is different at different times.  Sometimes I just want to watch life unfold before me, feel the magic of what nature puts before me.

 

I find it empowering to watch my reaction and then to watch it change as I find the courage to accept what has been shown to me.  I learn so much about myself during these times of observation.

And then there are other times when I want to exert my power through action, creating a life of my own intention.  If I don’t like something, I will change it.  If I like something, I will embolden it.  I am the painter. 

But how wonderful this feels right now to feel the resonance of this truth: nothing is ever wasted.  No time in life is a waste. No life is a waste.  The journey provides its bounty whether we are the observer or the creator.  We can rest easy knowing our garden

“which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild…will bring forth”

Higher Ground

Noelle said to me, when I asked if she wanted to be a teacher if mama and her opened a school,

“No, I’m going to be lots of different things.”

How different than when I was young, when the inclination to do many things was absolutely there (I changed what I was going to be every 6 months or so), but my psyche would only accept that I had one shot, that I had to choose.

And yet, it has been my lifetime that has shown me human beings can in fact be many things and in many ways are probably much happier this way.  At least the ones like me are

So how did she know this at 3, what I have taken my life to discover?

I am convinced little  ones are born knowing what the previous generation had to learn. 

This is the great gift of life, it progresses forward.

If they aren’t born knowing it, then it doesn’t take long for them to know it because the whole physical world is a living, breathing manifestation of the previous generations’ ideals.  They have simply to interact with it to understand it.

This is what I believe creates a generation gap.  It is difficult for one standing from a place of having had to learn and experience certain things to understand the fullness with which  children already grasp those concepts and now need to make their own world standing from their new perspective.

In many respects, the making of our world is a large part of our parenting, it is the shoulders our little ones will stand on to reach ever greater heights. 

Perhaps my children and I will have spiritual conversations about the nature of life, but perhaps not.  Perhaps they will watch the way in which I move in this world, observe what I value and then observe the world this has created with its corresponding beauty and flaws.  Perhaps this is all they will need to take the baton

And run with it.